My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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