Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
