I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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