he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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