I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
