I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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