you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
