shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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