This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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