I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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