Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
