I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
