Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
