he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize