I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
