we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
