I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
