Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
