I think I just saw someone hide a body.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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