The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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