Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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