I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
