it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
