the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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