Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
