well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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