my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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