He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
