Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize