Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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