watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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