I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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