Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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