I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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