Your face is a jimmy john
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
