I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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