she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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