Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
