Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
