i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
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