I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
