OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
