me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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