yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
