I have demons in me.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
