Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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