i need an iv and a liver transplant
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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