she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
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