My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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