Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
