ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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