My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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