This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
