I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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