1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
