True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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