the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
