I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
