he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
