you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
