Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize