I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
