Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize