it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
