Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
