I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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