There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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