My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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