You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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